clandestine

A Bitter Pill

2007-10-04T03:52:00.000-07:00

so it just hit me last night.
i've known for some time
but i just realized it last night.

in april,
my choir and i
will be traveling to
new york city
to join one hundred and fifty
other students for a
performance in
carnegie hall.

(wait, let me repeat that)

carnegie hall.

the place i've only wanted to set foot in
most of my musical life.

i would be performing with the ghosts of the greatest-
tchaikovsky.
pavarotti.
and zillions of others.

i just hope i can raise enough money to pay my way.
----------------
so i have been with liam almost four months.
and i can honestly say
i love this kid.

school's going,
i've found that i have a knack for biology.

and i've been sick all week.
my best friend's name:penicillin
despite the fact he's such a pill
with a bitter and harsh attitude
toward life.

Sparse

2007-09-15T04:41:00.000-07:00

a kid at our school killed himself last night.

i did not know him, but several of my close friends did.

when things like that happen everyone is sorry.

this kid was a senior in high school.
a time of so much promise and hope.

why would he end it all?

we may never know.

but reaching out to someone: a simple hello in the hallway
can do a world of good

please don't forget this.

alex abrahams, wherever you are i hope you are safe.
and to his family i send my condolences.

Nothing Left Of Me

2007-09-07T03:56:00.000-07:00

i've adapted well to the routine.

monday through friday I have
life management:at the moment learning how not to have babies
algebra 2:hard hard stuff for me
choir:my home

eating lunch alone with my iPod

biology:a class I sometimes get

then ride home for a half-hour
alone with my iPod.

liam is coming tonight to my sister's birthday party.

i see him about once a week since he goes to a different school.

i believe i shall die.

he does take me to church though. which makes twice a week.

Rebeginning

2007-08-19T16:56:00.001-07:00

so school starts back tomorrow. this summer i've
found my life's work
found love
found why i am special
found myself again.

to think that it'll end in about 13 hours.

no more seeing liam most days
and talking on the phone late into the night.

i feel a little hopeless.

Pretty Little Nothing

2007-08-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

i went and saw the goo goo dolls
in pensacola a few days back.

they played my favorite song,
iris.

that song is the soundtrack to my life.

the concert was held in the
same auditorium as the
my chemical romance
concert back in april.

i could see where i stood then.
it was like coming home.

---

liam took me out to the downtown friday fest.
we milled around antique shops with my
sister and her friend.
got a snowcone and shared it.
ran into old friends.

it was just like heaven.

Never Resting Time

2007-07-23T08:50:00.000-07:00

warped tour was soooo totally worth the 5 hour drive.

the first band I saw was technically chiodos-
though i only stayed for we're gonna have us a champagne jam
-mainly cause escape the fate was coming on and I like them more.
they're fantastic by the way, only the singer needed to wear a better belt
since when he came up from a kneel he mooned us all.
i heard my favorite song by them though,
my apocalypse.

and it was my first mosh pit.

then i went to see funeral for a friend play acoustically,
which was very good.
he can sing way well.
it wasn't crowded, which was sad cause
they're a marvelously underrated band.
The myspace tent got a lot more crowded
for the paramore acoustic show, which was
wonderful.
hayley even surprised me by knowing
which key she was playing in.
they tuned down from
c sharp to c by the way.

then i went and stood by
the funeral for a friend stage and
waited for them to come on.
it was worth it because i was
like two people from the stage.
another marvelous show by them, no mooning this time.
it was a shame cause they had to stop in the
middle of red is the new black because
of some not-so-nice moshers.

it played out like this:

one obviously boozed-up mosher pushes another guy
out into the crowd and is beating hard on him.
security hop the fence and try to split it up.
matt says something like
"what the fuck is going on here? if you can't play nice, don't play at all."

all in all very good and fun.
after that set i met a girl.
i think her name was karen
but i couldn't hear anything so i might be wrong.
we talked until paramore came on.
superfantastic I might add.
i had to leave after them though
because my sister got ill.
it sucks that I had to miss
boys like girls and
alesana.
but i did get shirts.

then we hung around st.augustine for a day and then i came home.

i'm going back next year for sure.

Nosedive

2007-07-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

so i've been using this wonderful thing
called the text message lately.
you know, what with willy (henceforth liam)
and david (who leaves tomorrow night).

i was under the impression that i had
unlimited texting for the five dollars
i paid every month.

apparently i only had three hundred texts incoming and outgoing.

i doubled my phone bill this month. two hundred dollars in texts.

wait, let me repeat that.

two hundred dollars.

more money than i have ever had in my life.

now i'm paying twenty dollars for the privilege
this month. my mother and i went to the local
dealer, who couldn't adjust the bill despite
that i haven't texted at all from july 2005 to now
and paid for it every month.

i've discussed it with my parents and they say it's
not my fault (they told me it was unlimited)
but that that's two hundred dollars we don't have anymore.

liam says he'll help me work it off but i don't want him to.

though i am still going to warped tour with money
i have earned for merch. i'll start when
i get home.

for the record don't use alltel. they have no compromises. despite that i've been paying five bucks a month for 3 years that i didn't use.

Complicate Condition

2007-07-09T09:27:00.000-07:00

so i am officially willy's girlfriend.
and i intend to break things off with david
but i can't.
he's done nothing to deserve it
but me finding someone else
who's better for me.

however, willy is gone to tennessee for ten days.
what he doesn't know might not hurt him
but i'm not that dishonest.

babysitting kids for cash.
friday night and tonight.
it's pleasant, lots of fun.

warped tour here i come!

Rifted

2007-07-04T17:53:00.000-07:00

david

willy

atlanta

here

down for
summer

to stay

fling

love

ephermal

lasting

connected
through
me

and i am dating both.

its not been a year since i was last single
and i'm glad.
often seeing nina
going to church again, strangely
enough.
seeing fireflies doesn't hurt anymore.
i have willy's love to guide me,
edward to my bella.
and this day,
celebrated as the birth of our country
i mark as the emergence
of my independence.

earning cash for warped tour.
merch booths, tickets, etc.
i want to go so much.

going out with willy tomorrow
to see a horror flick.
i'm scared
but not of the movie.

up all night
as radio waves
transcend the miles
between us.
and if i think
hard enough
i can imagine you
next to me.

Endorphin the Chemical Messiah

2007-06-24T09:29:00.000-07:00

went to the mall
with a girl and
her boyfriend.

it reminded me so much
of the firefly and demon.

but i got a shirt
and it was a lot
more fun than those
outings.

i saw the starfish
and said a fleeting
hello.

the first time i've been out
in how long?

An Important Service Announcement:

2007-06-21T21:45:00.000-07:00

For those readers that I do have...

I beg of you, please give these guys a listen. They're really good as both people and as a band. They need all the plays and promotion they can get. So go have a listen, add them to your MySpace, and tell your friends if you like their sound. Or if you have friends to tell.

Carsh

http://www.myspace.com/elsasatwell

Rebirth

2007-06-10T15:52:00.000-07:00

so this week was church camp.
i reconnected with my friends in alabama.
and even now i miss them.

rededicated myself to god.
it's strange to come home.

but the minute i walked in the door
i flipped on my music
and danced to my favorite song.

some things change.
even more things stay the same.

also found a new love interest
as i'm tired of lusting after
an angel who can't see me.

Restoration

2007-06-03T08:22:00.000-07:00

have you ever
taken your stereo
into a bath?
not put it in the tub,
just played it loudly.

listening to music
with your ears underwater
is a fascination of mine.

the bass is accentuated
and the words suddenly
mean less.

try it.
you'll understand.

--------

so last night was my second
dance recital.

the high point of it for me
was watching my
given-up angel
sleep.

some people are ugly and grotesque when
they rest.

he is positively seraphic.

and his hands twitch, which is an endearing habit.

that moment was definitely intimate.
not in a sexual way, but it melted
my heart.

Brand New Heart

2007-05-20T03:47:00.000-07:00

so yesterday
was my first local
'show'.

went with nina.

it was wonderful.

a bunch of choirkids were there
and two were singers in bands.
it was fun to see my friends on stage
having fun
and my friends not on stage
beating the crap out of each other.

the starfish sang
and it melted my heart.

what a wonderful first day of summer.

Unmade

2007-05-13T05:41:00.000-07:00

so i saw the movie
snakes on a plane
for the first time
yesterday.

i didn't think it
was really scary.
more creepy
and corny.

but hilarious in an unintentional way.

my family and i placed bets on who would die.

i won, with the dog and the snobby guy.
my dad lost, with the rapper and mr. samuel.

everybody knows that mr.jackson can't die
until he's had a chance
to say

"i've had it with these mutha*bleep*ing snakes on this mutha*bleep*ing plane.
now i'm gonna open some *bleep*ing windows."

Believing

2007-05-11T04:03:00.000-07:00

choir awards banquet.
it was entertaining
mainly due to gag awards.

i came home with two very serious
honors.
best freshman soprano two
most versatile singer
and i was elected to
be a librarian.

my librarian package included a super soaker, weapons, asprin, and candy.

however, i was sad.
my opposing candidate, the the
had her gorgeous boyfriend
see her lose.

i was concerned that that would create
a rift in our friendship.

but she smiled and said it was okay
and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

hey, she got the biggest flirt award.

i also managed to get my
choir letter for those
ugly jackets.

so a good night,
saying goodbye
to the starfish
i admire.

Fallout

2007-04-19T04:16:00.000-07:00

it has been a busy life for me
but now i will reflect on the past three or four days.

sunday, monday, tuesday, and the first hour of wedesday were spent on a choir trip.
it was lots of fun.
i made three new friends
starfish, who is a senior and is someone i've looked up to
kerri, a newer girl who just joined like a week ago
jere-bear, the given-up angel's friend
and i went to universal.

then the day after we got back
i went to a concert.
my chemical romance.
best night of my life.

music is not about haircuts
or how much money you make
or how indie your band is
or anything like that.

music is about a teenage girl jumping
all over everyone else's feet
(especially when the singer screams
jump fuckers!)
and singing along every word
and being fifteen feet away from her
biggest role models.

Interlude

2007-04-03T19:21:00.000-07:00

asked out my angel
in a note.
he called me around four-it's nine now
and it sounded urgent.
unsure if this is good or bad.
praying for good.

oh my god i can't believe i went through with it.

i swear my heart rate is skyrocketing.

Lovesong For A Memory

2007-04-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

so i go back to school tomorrow-
spring break's been fabulous.

spoken with the rocket a lot
went to the beach alone
and with the muse.

got pulled over by police.

began my studies on alfred hitchcock
for an english project.

plotting with my guy best friend (not the angels mind)
it's devious, it's stupid, it's supposed to keep his ex off him.

i am going to ask my given-up angel out
on tuesday.
through a letter that he probably will lose
and forget.

whatever words i say i will always love you-lovesong by the cure

Tedium

2007-03-26T19:49:00.000-07:00

spring break so far-
i cleaned my room for two days
haven't left my house once
slept in until eleven three days
watched The Birds
and My Big Fat Greek Wedding
Psycho is still unwatched.

nowhere to go, really.

a girl i am starting to get to know-
i'll call her rocket
because that's what we discussed on the phone
for one and almost a half hours
last night.

terrified tomorrow
for the lines on my thigh
(despite heavy foundation and concealer)
are visible
and my mother is taking me
to shop for a swimsuit.

maybe i can get away
with just a top
and shorts over the bottom from
last year.

not like i've grown much.

Taking Off

2007-03-21T03:46:00.000-07:00

living and trying to breathe.
exams rolled by
and i'm trying to live
in a city that's too
small for me.

my life now consists of two things:
poetry and music.
this i don't mind,
but there's no people in between.

still suffering with a hopeless chocolate addiction
but what's new?

got an okay in choir competition last friday,
barely scraped into the next level.

saint patrick's day was fabulous
not to mention that i spent the whole day
with a certain blonde angel
who has a thing for his ex-girlfriend.
anatomy of a high school drama.

still counting days
until april eighteenth.

i recently recieved a comment (see Invisible)
from a creator whose work i admire.
a public thank-you to miss calan.
i wore pink striped socks today.

Eyes of Crystal

2007-03-15T03:54:00.000-07:00

face it.
i am head over heels in like
with a boy i consider
my brother.
choir district is
tomorrow
and some haven't
memorized music.
saint patrick's day
is saturday
and i am dancing
everywhere.

one performance requires
shorts.
i can't wear shorts
due to a previous
episode of my life
(see anything involving lines)
if i explain why i can't
it's a one-way trip
to mr.therapy,
if some show it's
still a ticket.
catch-22.

i can't give up
my blonde
angel.

We Can Only Hope|My Music and About It

2007-02-23T04:03:00.000-08:00

the given-up angel called me last night-
but his ex-girlfriend was on the waiting line
and he hung up on me to talk to her.

he never called back. i spent
last night waiting by the
phone.

my eating plan is not going well.
i am seeing no improvement
and whenever i can help i'm
off buying chocolate.

my parents are always angry
with me.

"you need to eat."

i'm currently on restriction
because i skipped lunch for
a week.

but i'll keep going with this.
i need to get all of this excess
skin off me.
____________________
a list of the artists i listen to
and why i do so
and a favorite song
by them.
not all the artists.

afi-they're a solid band with a lead singer who i admire not just as a lyricist and a musician, but as a person. all of the playing is expert as the band has been around since the 1990s. curiously when i was born.
listen for-kiss and control off of decemberunderground

aiden-an excellent blend of styles (namely punk) with lyrics that are good (but in my humble opinion incorporate the word 'die' a little too often-anyways, who am i to complain?) and whose tunes are catchy.
listen for-die romantic off of nightmare anatomy

alesana-a wonderful hardcore band. you'll like it more if you're into screamy phowarrgh. interesting twist-incorporates the greek myth of icarus, a favorite of mine.
listen for-congratulations, i hate you off of on frail wings of vanity and wax

armor for sleep-generic sounding rock band. the albums tell a story which is good. ths music is great as a background soundtrack for when you work on other things.
listen for-kind of perfect off of dream to make believe

boys like girls-they call themselves emo, but their music sounds much more pop-rock to me. the next fall out boy in my opinion, but hey, i can say i knew them when. great sound, only downside is that their title is also the extent of their subject matter.
listen f0r-dance hall drug off the self-titled album

chiodos-great vocals for another otherwise normal band. very interesting lyrics, some mythology here too.
listen for-the acoustic of lindsay quit lollygagging off of all's well that ends well

escape the fate-bang smash in your face hello there my name is escape the fate. good stuff right there, very original. they use a cello!
listen for-the day i left the womb off the self-titled album

evanecence-how i got into music. very accessible, with a host of great music. all the not-as-good ones get overplayed.
listen for-lacrymosa off the open door

fall out boy-don't care for their normal stuff, but the acoustic songs are delicious. for example, nobody puts baby in the corner. they ruined it when they plugged it in, but the acoustic b-side is heaven.
listen for-nobody puts baby in the corner off my heart will always be on the b-side of things

flyleaf-an acidic band with absolutely wicked femme vocals. christian too, so no cussing and lots of fun.
listen for-so i thought off the self-titled album

kill hannah-a little electronic, a little emo, and a whole lotta fun. femaleish vocals with sleek lyrics and awesome talent.
listen for-unwanted off for never and never

my chemical romance-i love this band, despite how people say that it's not 'genuine'. i believe in music and if you're sincere then it's belief in being. anyway, another bunch of artists who are not merely great writers and musicians, but great people.
listen for-desert song off life on the murder scene

underoath-brash, loud, and a christian band to boot. what's not to like?
listen for-some will seek forgiveness, others escape off they're only chasing safety

the used-another band that's sincere. lyrics are just the right amount of screwed up, and these guys take technical adventrousness to a whole new level.
listen for-poetic tragedy off of a box full of sharp objects

Invisible

2007-02-20T13:18:00.000-08:00

i glimpsed the demon again-
how can we be so much alike
yet on such different planes?

i am eating too much and i hate myself for it.

i doubt people can see me anymore. every day i take my lunch alone and write/read.

i can't remember the last time someone touched me.

It's Been A While

2007-02-11T19:18:00.000-08:00

so I went to bible study for the first time in forever.

anyway, i got into a discussion about doctrine. my personal doctrine is that people should be allowed to do whatever makes them happy as long as it doesn't infringe on other people's happiness. that statement is essentially what I base my life on.

somehow the topic strayed to gay marriage. this i am fine with because it doesn't infringe on the happiness of other people and it makes them happy (before it begs the question of all those people who are like "gay marriage will condemn our country", they are the ones who condemn our faith to a early grave. In my humble opinion, the church needs to realize that while we should present the opportunity to become a christian and be strong in what we believe, we need to modernize and realize that not everyone will accept the church and that some are quite comfortable with what they believe.) however, everyone else seems to think that this is morally wrong. tt may be for our beliefs. but we cannot force our religion on other people.

though i am not arguing that homosexuality is not a sin, i believe you can belong to the church and still feel that way. I mean, christians are not perfect. see any divorced churchgoers? divorce is described as a sin, but divorced people still attend the church. church is not a place for people to look down their noses at those who have sinned, rather, it is a place for those who have sinned.

liars, adulterers, the greedy, prideful people, and many other people with character flaws attend church. had they no imperfections, they would have no need to be there in the first place.

of course everyone thinks I'm wrong because my view isn't commonly accepted. maybe I am wrong. at least i believe in what i'm saying.

Stardust Dissolving

2007-02-01T18:51:00.000-08:00

lately i have dreamt of being a girl in a band.

i want to touch people and cause them to change. i want to make things sound. i want to be a role model.

that's what i want.

had choir practice.
i will never measure up.

Bringing Back

2007-01-29T18:29:00.000-08:00

something happened today

i realized that even when i am surrounded, i am alone.

sure, these people like me, but none of what they have is deep or close.

alone in the crowds with nobody who understands the word alone.

the lines are back. for good? it was a month since they were last.

Darkroom

2007-01-28T17:14:00.000-08:00

so i haven't changed.

been speaking to the given-up angel. no matter how hard i try, i can't give him up.

babysat five kids last night. my companion found out about the lines, but i told her to never mind. i'm over them for good i think.

Pretty Pretty

2007-01-25T19:27:00.000-08:00

living off music
given up angels
and firefly residue.

Everlast

2007-01-21T19:23:00.000-08:00

faked sick, stayed home from life.

trying how to eloquently tell the bible study girls that i'm a fake and i can't live with myself.

Dayrain

2007-01-20T20:59:00.000-08:00

went to the given-up angel's party
enjoyed myself.

also attended a muslim wedding reception
in place of my sister.

was informative.
i expected it to be different
and it wasn't so much.

people are people
they are happy the same.

Forget My Name

2007-01-19T19:18:00.000-08:00

was invisible today.

went to the mall and bought the gave-up angel his present. a bio of a band he adores and i'm not sure is good(the bio i mean, i love the band) and a stick of black eyeliner. got myself the clean version of a cd i adore.

Shining

2007-01-18T17:08:00.000-08:00

beauty escapes me.

wrote today.

Daylight Daughter

2007-01-17T19:16:00.000-08:00

i've discovered i love my skin
despite the unpleasant spotting on my face.
it's translucent enough to see the pretty morbid
lace of veins and arteries
especially by the wrists, on the chest, and on my palms.
i can see them to where they disappear in the middle
where if i look close enough
i can imagine my heart beating.

Peel Me Off The Ceiling Floor

2007-01-15T19:17:00.000-08:00

i've felt crappish all day. not just "my tummy hurts from too much cake but i'll be better by noon" but "i can't smell, breathe through my nose, or speak. i'm choking on my own snot here" kinda crappy. on my day off too.

finished mary. he's adorable.

working on a black blouse with clovers.

had to turn down my one request for winter formal. going to the party of the angel i gave up. i've made myself promise i won't feel anything but friendship toward him, because i know he loves the firefly and i am eclipsed by her glow.

Stitcher

2007-01-14T18:16:00.000-08:00

liar went to church again.

working on sewing a lamb. his name is mary.

had a fantastic blondie at applebee's.

You're Gonna Be Famous One Day, Girl

2007-01-13T07:36:00.000-08:00

someone said that to me
as i sat alone with a book on Friday.

he's a janitor i presume
and every time he comes my way
he asks if i am reading the same book.

the answer is always never.
there's not much else to do
when you don't have much to say.

Don't Fade

2007-01-10T19:29:00.000-08:00

today was fun
i went book shopping
the starbux people gave me a venti on accident.

yum.

Do Or Die, If It Were Up To Me You'd Do and I'd Just Die

2007-01-09T19:39:00.000-08:00

today was lame.

my new choir buddy?
is a junior, so is going to the other class.

frustrated at my dancing
it isn't free like music.

Girl VS World

2007-01-08T19:10:00.000-08:00

reconciled with firefly

met a new angel
i'll call him rollercoaster.
if i have my way, a new choir buddy.

guitar today
it's getting fun now that i can.

Dying To Relive The Memories

2007-01-07T18:36:00.000-08:00

went to the youth
despite saying i'd never
go back.

reconciled with the firefly
but said something stupid.
i fear the second try will be
my last.

met with the sunshine and the moon.
they spoke to me
and it was a reunion.

Gunshot Girl

2007-01-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

reconciled with the firefly
we're going to give this friends thing
another try.

gave up on an angel for the last time.

power out at school today.

The Angels Told Me Fate

2007-01-04T18:03:00.000-08:00

first day back in school/hell.

i am tired.

really.

The Psychologist and Miss Maddy//a long short story

2007-01-02T19:11:00.000-08:00

This story took shape from a piece of email. This letter was from a person known as Workman Hannah, who I do not know. He spent most of the time trying to sell me stock. However, the last little bit seemed like one end of a short conversation. The other parts, where Mr.Hannah was speaking, I filled in. Due to its non sequitor nature I decided that Mr.Hannah was a uncle and he had accidentally placed the notes from a conversation with his niece (whom I have named Maddy) into a pitch for me to purchase some stocks.

A classic example of the story changing in the shower, the Miss Maddy and Mr.Hannah are distinctly different than the ones I began with. The setting was originally Parisian, with Madame Madeleine being a batty old crone and the psychologist a older man. Later on Miss Maddy became an eccentric twentysomething on her way to get a refill of medication, and Workman became a slightly younger practicioner in New York City. Eventually I realized I could not replicate psychologist garble, and so transformed Mr.Hannah into a uncle and Maddy into a possibly teenaged niece.

And now, the curtain rises.

----------
Mr. Hannah: Hello, Maddy! Merry Christmas!

Miss Maddy:And a very Merry Christmas to you too!

Mr. Hannah:Go ahead, have a seat. How is your sister Sophia?

Miss Maddy:Doc says the she is doing well with seizure control on this dose most likely because of the diet.

Mr. Hannah:That's good to hear. Last time you spoke to me you told me she was gravely ill.

Miss Maddy:Where birth and death do matter not for both, they are the same.

Mr. Hannah:That's...great. Any other news?

Miss Maddy:Plus, the cover to the Weird Al Show DVD is unleashed upon the public, causing mayhem and destruction beyond all imagination.

Mr. Hannah:Maddy, have you been regularly taking your medication?

Miss Maddy:And too, she is most feminine,gentle, kind and pure.

Mr. Hannah:I suppose not. Do you care to tell me why?

Miss Maddy:There are lots of people who care about you. There are people who can help.

Mr. Hannah:That's not what I asked. Anyway, have you been at school?

Miss Maddy:I do understand that I need to be there from time to time and then for all of time to greet the gods of my being and reveal to them, the universe of my dreams.

Mr. Hannah:I'm not sure I understand that, Maddy dear.

Miss Maddy:Agree with it or not, that's their story and they're stickin' to it!

Mr. Hannah:Let's talk about music. You like music, right??

Miss Maddy:There was cover art for Vol.

Mr. Hannah:Okay...

Miss Maddy:Nevertheless, many thanks to those who have injected a little life back into the poor old thing.

Mr. Hannah:How is your mother, Madeline?

Miss Maddy:She had to be stabilized in the ER and was released on Saturday.

Mr. Hannah:Your father?

Miss Maddy:He returns to LA on the 12th I believe.

Mr.Hannah:That's unfortunate. Do you speak to him much on that-what's it called, internet-while he is away?

Miss Maddy:I don't have a web site because I can't type.

Mr. Hannah:I'm sure that must be hard.

Miss Maddy:It has to be said that even before this happened, the group was starting to look a bit limp.

Mr. Hannah:Alright. How is your progression with the new psychiatrist?

Miss Maddy:I have been seizure free now for 4 months and am not sure whether the medication or something else is responsible, but I felt compelled to share.

Mr.Hannah:You and Sophie don't have the same condition, right?

Miss Maddy:Doc says the she is doing well with seizure control on this dose most likely because of the diet.

Mr. Hannah:That's odd. Isn't there medication for things like that?

Miss Maddy:I am not selling Ambien.

Mr. Hannah:Oh. I see.

Miss Maddy:If you are the system administrator, please click here. Someone find out and fill me in! I am not the third person plural experiencing life but rather myself.

Mr.Hannah:Don't get technological with me dear, you know I don't understand things like that.

Miss Maddy: I had thought the opposite, that they would get more money per sale if I bought directly from them.

Mr.Hannah:You're into business?

Miss Maddy:That's the attitude you need to have, here in the natural snow deprived Northeast.

Mr.Hannah:We live in the Southeast, dear.

Miss Maddy:These really have my CNT shut down, but no siezures.

Mr.Hannah:I thought Sophia was the one with the seizures.

Miss Maddy:I roused some several REHoward fans into making themselves heard, and now it has quieted down again.

Mr.Hannah:What is a REHoward?

Miss Maddy:I belong to EOD and REHupa.

Mr.Hannah:Are those like the Girl Scouts?

Miss Maddy:Fortunately, she did not have further seizures after we got to the airport and she ate some breakfast.

Mr.Hannah:Sophia went on a plane?

Miss Maddy: Fortunately, they released Stacy around 11am this morning without admitting her to the hospital.

Mr.Hannah:Darling, your sister is Sophie and she's in the hospital.

Miss Maddy:A high spot is my LOST WORLDS inscribed to Francis T.

Mr.Hannah:Is this Francis a friend of yours?

Miss Maddy:These groups can be fun, but they can also take up a lot of time and energy.

Mr.Hannah:What groups?

Miss Maddy:She is still taking her meds diligently.

Mr.Hannah:Sophia doesn't take medication.

Miss Maddy:It has to be said that even before this happened, the group was starting to look a bit limp.

Mr.Hannah:I give up.

Miss Maddy:Time for me to do my annual re-reading of HPL's "The Festival.Happy New Year everyone!
---
as it is bedtime there will be no third post.

Where did you leave my pills, dear? You know I can't live without them, even though they're slowly killing me.

2007-01-02T18:08:00.000-08:00

today was okay.
i started sewing my bookbag
to be finished tomorrow.

saw a movie.
night at the museum to be precise.

there may or may not be three posts tonight.

Mourning Light

2006-12-30T20:26:00.000-08:00

last post of the old year.
almost sad, isn't it?
saying goodbye to someone
you barely knew.

i sewed a bear yesterday
and wrote a song.

Forever Falling

2006-12-28T18:36:00.000-08:00

haven't written in a while
due to real life.

i was born during the dead days
days when boundaries between now and next
are said to be the thinnest

don't call me mystic
but i place a little stock
in such rumors.

this day and age
needs magic.

i'm unsure if today, yesterday, or tomorrow
is childermass.
the unluckiest day of the year.

or is the mirror broken?

called the blonde angel
who shares my age exactly.
he wouldn't take me
anywhere on account
of his parents beign away
and him going out with his friends.

it's no secret he asked her
because he loves her.
not me.
her.

Break My Wings For Me Dear, They'll Match The Heart You Left Me With

2006-12-25T18:35:00.000-08:00

today was a day of mixing
everyone with presents.

it was just good to have
camadrie and happiness.

my present isn't here yet.
oh well.

Apex

2006-12-24T19:10:00.000-08:00

this is the excitement
unfolding at its last
it is all downhill from here.

the carols fade away,
the decorations are put away
kindness goes away.

Anticipating Anticipation

2006-12-23T19:02:00.000-08:00

december 23 got screwed over.
everyone's all 'christmas eve tomorrow
get today over with'.

didn't bake today.

went and watched christmas lights
and/or aunt and uncle's pda fest.

had ice cream
was too cold.

Angel Tears Staining The Living Room Rug

2006-12-22T19:15:00.000-08:00

sewed today.
two dolls
one likeness of myself.

the insanity begins tomorrow
baking cookies.
in the kitchen i have
a very black and very crispy thumb.

This Is The Nightmare, It's All We'll Ever Need

2006-12-21T11:10:00.000-08:00

staying the night at grandmother's
so the parents can have an anneversairy.

had the muse and an old friend
over last night.
told the muse of lines
and worked on getting
back into the pool.

If You Told Me You Loved Me I'd Stop Drawing Razorblades

2006-12-18T19:03:00.000-08:00

i love yard work.
raked the lawn today, much fun.

dad gave me advice and we discussed
his falling out with my aunt mary
and how if i ever have children
i'll love them and forgive them
and that he loves me.

presents are piling beneath the tree.
i want to open just one.
excitement kills me happy.

finished my three weeks endeavor of a book.
depressed me so i drown my sorrows
in chai tea and more books.

went to the mall with my father
and bought shoes
two sizes too large on accident.
also purble nail polish
and a afi cd.

i prefer cds to any other method
of music.
they are tangible and have more
emotional value than a simple
icon.

Cause I'm Not Sure I'll Make It Through The Night

2006-12-17T18:44:00.000-08:00

the holidays are boring.

if i had friends i'd be out
but the muse is ill.

books are my friends.

faked sick, skipped church
don't know if i'm going back
ever.

The Object Of Misguided Affection

2006-12-16T19:32:00.000-08:00

spent all day
shopping.

was going to the muse's
but she was sick.
sadness.

she got her gift though
and i think she liked it.

strung the tree today.
but christmas isn't coming for me
this year.

i'm not feeling it.

She Spoke For Herself

2006-12-15T20:40:00.000-08:00

"everything will work out. we both just need some space."

the last ten words of the firefly.
one month ago exactly.

one month i've been in darkness.

one month i've been hopeless.

one month i'm never getting back.
---
going to the muse's tomorrow
first time i've felt like going out in one month.

dressing up and everything.
painted my nails.
gave myself a facial.

first time i've wanted to be pretty in a month.
---
90 on a math exam
and since the teacher is a witch
my final grade was an 89.4.

rounded down.

hard work for less than perfection.

so close i almost grasped it.
---

dear angels, take me home today
i'll swallow poison sweet
and join you in a better place
until the rest i meet.

Through The Filter Of Dependedcy

2006-12-14T19:03:00.000-08:00

i love smells. i have a pear one that i decorated my room with tonight. it was all over my clothes for tomorrow and for yesterday and my guitar and my bead and me. it was pear.

---
exams.
good in history.
unknown in english.
math and choir
impending.
---
choir secret pals finished.
i got a journal
but it won't replace this.
it's for consise thought.

Maybe It'll Mean Something When I'm Old And Alone

2006-12-13T17:02:00.000-08:00

exams tomorry.

studying with my father is the best.

he tells history like a story
so it means something.

i want my muse.
i want...
i want...

i'm scared.

Darling, Will You Wish Me Away

2006-12-12T18:44:00.000-08:00

choir concert tonight.
the.

big.

one.

and my throat closed up and i choked on innocence
when my dad walked in and smiled at me.

he wasn't supposed to come.
care.
see me.

but he did.
i was reminded of how young i am.

and during our final song
andy dressed as santa claus
and hammed it up.

we couldn't finish.
it was unexpected.
it was bliss.

the had her boyfriend today...
gorgeous.
reminded me of the first angel
(who has a girlfriend, as i learned.
why do these things happen to me?)
but he's the's
and seventeen.

seventeen is bigger than thirteen.

i got a present
(reused from a dance recital)
but it was all good.
i didn't need one.

Bleeding To Know I Feel Pain

2006-12-11T19:18:00.000-08:00

next time someone asks my orientation
i'm saying ambiguous.

choir secret pals.
i got rolos and some pins for the black bag.

math test tomorry.
i'm not in the mood to care.

talked to the muse endlessly
and though she condemned me
i love her.

guitar.
i am progressing.
this is good.

dance party-
boring but for the other angel
between whom i am torn.

--------------------

my angels, are you watching
as living am i in fear
that if i call to you despairing
will you care so much to hear?

The House Of Cards Falling In Around My Ears

2006-12-10T19:08:00.000-08:00

went to the house this morning.
sang the songs
danced the dance
lived the lie.

whatever i believe, i believe passionately.
fact of my existance.

had a bible study at my home today.
tea and lots of it.

skipped out of the children's aisle.
i can't be there,
not now
maybe not for a while
maybe never again.

looking at the vapid smile that used to be mine.

despite everything that has happened these past few months, i still believe in god.
maybe not the same one as the fanatics or the atheists
(who believe, in my opinion, but are convinced they can suppress).

i'm so screwed up right now
i don't know which way is up.

aunt 3 and her whatever came today.
asked me what i want for christmas.

nothing.

i'm content in what i have.
is that allowed?

Love's Eternal Sting

2006-12-09T20:25:00.000-08:00

saw the angel today
at a choir performance.
our choreography was childish
but he said it was okay.

bought all my friends their christmas presents.

babysat the children again.
two were great, but one...
hellion.

i need my muse and i need more sleep.

Warring of the Spidermen and Human Conscience

2006-12-08T20:56:00.001-08:00

it's late.
i'm alone
and sick to my stomach.

secret pals in choir today...
mine is the only girl whose guts i hate
and the only non-feminine guy in there keeps hitting on me.

babysat the boys today.
they were angels
much better than last time
and their dog no longer hates me.

i don't know when i realized i bent.
maybe it was last night
the night before?
tonight?
the first time i was at the firefly's house?

my white pajamas are used tonight
haven't worn them in forever,
as they would show blood too soon.

lovely got me a new poembook
to replace the full one.
i love him.

but only as a friend.
will i regret last night?

still stomache.
tired as hell.
goodnight and goodbye.

--------------------

sing me to sleep, my black haired angels
and tell me how you miss me so
for when life itself is hell
can you show me where to go?

keep singing, perfect faces
take me into refuge dreams
for when breathing shatters being
only sleep silences screams.

oh heaven's demons, do not cry
and over my sad carcass weep
for yours is the heaven i want
in everlasting eternal sleep.

Friendship And Falsehoods

2006-12-07T19:58:00.000-08:00

the freshman ball was tonight.

i went.

i saw the music and the lovely.

the lovely and i had not spoken in half a year.

he learned:

i cut my hair
the boy and i broke up
i went both ways
i dance well.

i made him dance with me later on.

Do I Believe How I Should?

2006-12-06T19:18:00.000-08:00

my ideals are simple.

everyone has a right to be happy
as long as it doesn't prevent another
from such.

three things are inherently good.
these are
children,
love,
and humans.

Bright Eyes Blind

2006-12-06T03:56:00.000-08:00

thanks for the angel
a bright spot in a dull sky
a lifeline.

thanks for the muse
who loves me no matter what
a forgiveness.

thank you for the firefly
even though i've been replaced
those were the best times of my life.

and i don't regret.

Maybe You'll Forgive Me, But I Have Other Friends

2006-12-05T03:59:00.000-08:00

had a choir performance last night.

screwed it up.

but went to the afterparty.

some girls went to olive garden
and we ate dessert.

saw the muse and the music.

Slipping

2006-12-03T18:40:00.000-08:00

went to the house of cards today.
sang the song
and listened to the words.

then the sun slipped
and it was time.

every often
the church my age
go to the sports center.

the firefly replaced me tonight
with a new doll
this one fresher and with more to discover
than me broken and used.

most my time was with the gun.
he talked and prattled on
i need only supply a mmm and ahh
and girls can be confusing
but she'll go on.

then it closed in.
i wasn't safe since he walked in.

spent some time in cold outside
in the corner of the shadow.

no one could see me.

"i am a monster
nobody cares if i go
it's a blessing to everyone
not to put up with the
disjointed plaything
strangled marionette
useless junk."

then she and i talked in the van of my youth
college, my problems.

of course, she didn't know of
the lines
the angel
the boy
the deathwish
the story
the loneliness
but it's been forever
since somebody cared.

Bloodless Addiction

2006-12-02T19:36:00.000-08:00

i scared myself today.

to preface things
i hate eating when i'm home alone.
for when i start i never stop.

so i was for the first few hours of my waking
then my mother returned and
needed to take my measurements.

i felt very dizzy half way through.

then i sat down.

it's scary having to wonder how your head rolled back and mouth opened.
it's scary having to wonder why your limbs are numb.
it's scary having to ask your mother "what just happened?".
it's scary having however long you were out unaccounted for in memory.

the next words i heard were
"well, that was an academy award winning performance of a seizure".

i don't know how it happened.
but i ate a banana, some apple juice, and oatmeal
and was a little better.

i thought i had a choir performance today
but it was monday, thank god.
if i had done that on stage...

celtic woman was on the telly
and i've always loved the singing
ever since i was in ireland
the hills have called me home.

so that's my father's birthday present
tickets for four
february eighth
tallahassee
beauty.

Tired Of Getting Better

2006-12-01T17:58:00.000-08:00

I've fallen back in love with periods again.

part 1-the angel boy.

his voice watches me
and i meet him there every morning.
we laugh and talk.
i was taller than him today
blame the high-heeled boots, darling.

you and i held hands today
because we were on either side of the.
i know it didn't mean a thing
but it was nice.

you spoon fed me cheerios
and i made a mess of it.
but it was funny.
then you hugged me on the way out
and i melted.

it's funny how much the little things mean
when the one big thing has flown away.

part 2-the visitors.

three people stopped me in my book
as the sandwich crumbs were blown from
the spine.

the first was tyler.
he and i are neutral
but he appeared to care.
i fed him the "i'm okay" lie
and we had a discussion
about vampire novels his girlfriend liked
and tight pants in relation to skinny jeans.

fuzzy fleeted by
but she was gone before i breathed.

and this old guy walked up
and said something which
never impacted
and walked off.

part3-seeing the demon one last time

he walked by me as i left the holocaust visions
him and the strawberry haired girl.
i couldn't see their hands
but it appeared they were intertwined.
just like his and the firefly.

it hurt again, just as fresh as the first time
because i was the moon and she the sun
he never saw me as but her accompianment.

he hasn't spoken to me in three months
even though we occupy the same place
cast out like the one we loved.

part 4-the worst performance

and by that i don't mean us.
the audience was rude
and never clapped.

sadness. we practiced for a month
to play to those preoccupied.

and then the day was ended.

Smile Like You Aren't Faking

2006-11-30T17:52:00.000-08:00

i don't know what to write today
here is my schedule
if you care

first period, algebra 1
but it's honors so i don't feel stupid
i failed the class with flying colors
two years ago
it's hard in there
for the firefly resides
in the diagonal from me
acting like she knows
i am okay

second choir
the people there love me
and are a second family
any barriers there are broken
and melody streams
and voices connect
and life begins
and ends

lunch
i sit alone
with a book
most recently twilight

third, history/hilarity
most funny class
watched Schindler's List today
gunshots and blood
horror and fascination
that was the holocaust
in brief

english last
my gift and talent
but nobody else in there
has either
so the words are stagnant
and while i'm sleeping
or dreaming my work
is passed about for all
to take

then i walk home
which is a story
in and of itself

Sunshine and Starfall

2006-11-29T19:00:00.000-08:00

thank you
for not leaving me
when the firefly ceased to guide me
but staying there
and seeing if i'm alive
or have fallen off the edge

thank you
for smiling like you mean it
and allowing me to follow
and get to know you
the always/never conundrum
and knowing how music is

thank you
for accepting gracefully
and not fussing when i told you
of the lines
and of the times
and permitting me to stay

you three are how i live

The World As Viewed From A Martini Glass

2006-11-28T18:35:00.000-08:00

it's tuesday but he wasn't there
he and she, the complementing characters
so no fussing at the heathen

dance is my secondary high
it being rigorously planned
but the beat courses through
the floor, feet hitting in accented
melody passing
with idle clicks and batters
so was the preprogrammed calamity

my hands are cramping from
the guitar and the homework
student living sucks

did he even think on me?
was i a portion of his thoughts?
or is it as i fear
and he wants nothing to do with me?

Can I Go Alone

2006-11-27T18:18:00.000-08:00

maybe i'm tired of normality

the firefly and i connected today
if only brief, then carried on
seperated
still torn

has the music ever swept you away?
flowing from fingers into air into ears into heart into voice into fingers
an endless cycle you only partake of
it would go on without you
but to be part of the flow
it carries self away

i denied lunch today
just got away, only me and a novel
it's better that way

a book can hurt my fingers not my soul

Between The Steeple And The Floor

2006-11-26T18:49:00.000-08:00

how can i love another
when i don't love myself

still, i believe

the firefly and i amended tonight
i'm getting better
but the void hasn't closed
we still know
remember
hurt

he lied on the sabbath and didn't come
his loss i suppose
i'll chew him out tuesday
but be gentle cause i understand

"is it painful enough for a lortab"
it's worth a heart amputation
if it would stop

Falsehoods of the Looking-Glass

2006-11-25T17:26:00.000-08:00

there once was a girl who thought she could change the world. she's older now.

androgynous but for the obvious. short brown hair and eyes to match. a key. pale but not in the pretty manner.

it looks like i'm okay. but i suppose i am not.

i decided not to care today.

here's a story of when i loved two people. one was my life, but she told me that i wasn't like the raven or the demon and that she couldn't pretend i was. she left me. the other is her unknown admirer, not the one she chose. he i would have gladly loved, but when the sun shines the moon can't be seen.

so i'll go to bed now.

alone as always.