something happened today
i realized that even when i am surrounded, i am alone.
sure, these people like me, but none of what they have is deep or close.
alone in the crowds with nobody who understands the word alone.
the lines are back. for good? it was a month since they were last.
so i haven't changed.
been speaking to the given-up angel. no matter how hard i try, i can't give him up.
babysat five kids last night. my companion found out about the lines, but i told her to never mind. i'm over them for good i think.
faked sick, stayed home from life.
trying how to eloquently tell the bible study girls that i'm a fake and i can't live with myself.
went to the given-up angel's party
enjoyed myself.
also attended a muslim wedding reception
in place of my sister.
was informative.
i expected it to be different
and it wasn't so much.
people are people
they are happy the same.
was invisible today.
went to the mall and bought the gave-up angel his present. a bio of a band he adores and i'm not sure is good(the bio i mean, i love the band) and a stick of black eyeliner. got myself the clean version of a cd i adore.
i've discovered i love my skin
despite the unpleasant spotting on my face.
it's translucent enough to see the pretty morbid
lace of veins and arteries
especially by the wrists, on the chest, and on my palms.
i can see them to where they disappear in the middle
where if i look close enough
i can imagine my heart beating.
i've felt crappish all day. not just "my tummy hurts from too much cake but i'll be better by noon" but "i can't smell, breathe through my nose, or speak. i'm choking on my own snot here" kinda crappy. on my day off too.
finished mary. he's adorable.
working on a black blouse with clovers.
had to turn down my one request for winter formal. going to the party of the angel i gave up. i've made myself promise i won't feel anything but friendship toward him, because i know he loves the firefly and i am eclipsed by her glow.
liar went to church again.
working on sewing a lamb. his name is mary.
had a fantastic blondie at applebee's.
someone said that to me
as i sat alone with a book on Friday.
he's a janitor i presume
and every time he comes my way
he asks if i am reading the same book.
the answer is always never.
there's not much else to do
when you don't have much to say.
today was lame.
my new choir buddy?
is a junior, so is going to the other class.
frustrated at my dancing
it isn't free like music.
reconciled with firefly
met a new angel
i'll call him rollercoaster.
if i have my way, a new choir buddy.
guitar today
it's getting fun now that i can.
went to the youth
despite saying i'd never
go back.
reconciled with the firefly
but said something stupid.
i fear the second try will be
my last.
met with the sunshine and the moon.
they spoke to me
and it was a reunion.
reconciled with the firefly
we're going to give this friends thing
another try.
gave up on an angel for the last time.
power out at school today.
This story took shape from a piece of email. This letter was from a person known as Workman Hannah, who I do not know. He spent most of the time trying to sell me stock. However, the last little bit seemed like one end of a short conversation. The other parts, where Mr.Hannah was speaking, I filled in. Due to its non sequitor nature I decided that Mr.Hannah was a uncle and he had accidentally placed the notes from a conversation with his niece (whom I have named Maddy) into a pitch for me to purchase some stocks.
A classic example of the story changing in the shower, the Miss Maddy and Mr.Hannah are distinctly different than the ones I began with. The setting was originally Parisian, with Madame Madeleine being a batty old crone and the psychologist a older man. Later on Miss Maddy became an eccentric twentysomething on her way to get a refill of medication, and Workman became a slightly younger practicioner in New York City. Eventually I realized I could not replicate psychologist garble, and so transformed Mr.Hannah into a uncle and Maddy into a possibly teenaged niece.
And now, the curtain rises.
----------
Mr. Hannah: Hello, Maddy! Merry Christmas!
Miss Maddy:And a very Merry Christmas to you too!
Mr. Hannah:Go ahead, have a seat. How is your sister Sophia?
Miss Maddy:Doc says the she is doing well with seizure control on this dose most likely because of the diet.
Mr. Hannah:That's good to hear. Last time you spoke to me you told me she was gravely ill.
Miss Maddy:Where birth and death do matter not for both, they are the same.
Mr. Hannah:That's...great. Any other news?
Miss Maddy:Plus, the cover to the Weird Al Show DVD is unleashed upon the public, causing mayhem and destruction beyond all imagination.
Mr. Hannah:Maddy, have you been regularly taking your medication?
Miss Maddy:And too, she is most feminine,gentle, kind and pure.
Mr. Hannah:I suppose not. Do you care to tell me why?
Miss Maddy:There are lots of people who care about you. There are people who can help.
Mr. Hannah:That's not what I asked. Anyway, have you been at school?
Miss Maddy:I do understand that I need to be there from time to time and then for all of time to greet the gods of my being and reveal to them, the universe of my dreams.
Mr. Hannah:I'm not sure I understand that, Maddy dear.
Miss Maddy:Agree with it or not, that's their story and they're stickin' to it!
Mr. Hannah:Let's talk about music. You like music, right??
Miss Maddy:There was cover art for Vol.
Mr. Hannah:Okay...
Miss Maddy:Nevertheless, many thanks to those who have injected a little life back into the poor old thing.
Mr. Hannah:How is your mother, Madeline?
Miss Maddy:She had to be stabilized in the ER and was released on Saturday.
Mr. Hannah:Your father?
Miss Maddy:He returns to LA on the 12th I believe.
Mr.Hannah:That's unfortunate. Do you speak to him much on that-what's it called, internet-while he is away?
Miss Maddy:I don't have a web site because I can't type.
Mr. Hannah:I'm sure that must be hard.
Miss Maddy:It has to be said that even before this happened, the group was starting to look a bit limp.
Mr. Hannah:Alright. How is your progression with the new psychiatrist?
Miss Maddy:I have been seizure free now for 4 months and am not sure whether the medication or something else is responsible, but I felt compelled to share.
Mr.Hannah:You and Sophie don't have the same condition, right?
Miss Maddy:Doc says the she is doing well with seizure control on this dose most likely because of the diet.
Mr. Hannah:That's odd. Isn't there medication for things like that?
Miss Maddy:I am not selling Ambien.
Mr. Hannah:Oh. I see.
Miss Maddy:If you are the system administrator, please click here. Someone find out and fill me in! I am not the third person plural experiencing life but rather myself.
Mr.Hannah:Don't get technological with me dear, you know I don't understand things like that.
Miss Maddy: I had thought the opposite, that they would get more money per sale if I bought directly from them.
Mr.Hannah:You're into business?
Miss Maddy:That's the attitude you need to have, here in the natural snow deprived Northeast.
Mr.Hannah:We live in the Southeast, dear.
Miss Maddy:These really have my CNT shut down, but no siezures.
Mr.Hannah:I thought Sophia was the one with the seizures.
Miss Maddy:I roused some several REHoward fans into making themselves heard, and now it has quieted down again.
Mr.Hannah:What is a REHoward?
Miss Maddy:I belong to EOD and REHupa.
Mr.Hannah:Are those like the Girl Scouts?
Miss Maddy:Fortunately, she did not have further seizures after we got to the airport and she ate some breakfast.
Mr.Hannah:Sophia went on a plane?
Miss Maddy: Fortunately, they released Stacy around 11am this morning without admitting her to the hospital.
Mr.Hannah:Darling, your sister is Sophie and she's in the hospital.
Miss Maddy:A high spot is my LOST WORLDS inscribed to Francis T.
Mr.Hannah:Is this Francis a friend of yours?
Miss Maddy:These groups can be fun, but they can also take up a lot of time and energy.
Mr.Hannah:What groups?
Miss Maddy:She is still taking her meds diligently.
Mr.Hannah:Sophia doesn't take medication.
Miss Maddy:It has to be said that even before this happened, the group was starting to look a bit limp.
Mr.Hannah:I give up.
Miss Maddy:Time for me to do my annual re-reading of HPL's "The Festival.Happy New Year everyone!
---
as it is bedtime there will be no third post.
today was okay.
i started sewing my bookbag
to be finished tomorrow.
saw a movie.
night at the museum to be precise.
there may or may not be three posts tonight.
