Mourning Light

last post of the old year.
almost sad, isn't it?
saying goodbye to someone
you barely knew.

i sewed a bear yesterday
and wrote a song.

Forever Falling

haven't written in a while
due to real life.

i was born during the dead days
days when boundaries between now and next
are said to be the thinnest

don't call me mystic
but i place a little stock
in such rumors.

this day and age
needs magic.

i'm unsure if today, yesterday, or tomorrow
is childermass.
the unluckiest day of the year.

or is the mirror broken?

called the blonde angel
who shares my age exactly.
he wouldn't take me
anywhere on account
of his parents beign away
and him going out with his friends.

it's no secret he asked her
because he loves her.
not me.
her.

Break My Wings For Me Dear, They'll Match The Heart You Left Me With

today was a day of mixing
everyone with presents.

it was just good to have
camadrie and happiness.

my present isn't here yet.
oh well.

Apex

this is the excitement
unfolding at its last
it is all downhill from here.

the carols fade away,
the decorations are put away
kindness goes away.

Anticipating Anticipation

december 23 got screwed over.
everyone's all 'christmas eve tomorrow
get today over with'.

didn't bake today.

went and watched christmas lights
and/or aunt and uncle's pda fest.

had ice cream
was too cold.

Angel Tears Staining The Living Room Rug

sewed today.
two dolls
one likeness of myself.

the insanity begins tomorrow
baking cookies.
in the kitchen i have
a very black and very crispy thumb.

This Is The Nightmare, It's All We'll Ever Need

staying the night at grandmother's
so the parents can have an anneversairy.

had the muse and an old friend
over last night.
told the muse of lines
and worked on getting
back into the pool.

If You Told Me You Loved Me I'd Stop Drawing Razorblades

i love yard work.
raked the lawn today, much fun.

dad gave me advice and we discussed
his falling out with my aunt mary
and how if i ever have children
i'll love them and forgive them
and that he loves me.

presents are piling beneath the tree.
i want to open just one.
excitement kills me happy.

finished my three weeks endeavor of a book.
depressed me so i drown my sorrows
in chai tea and more books.

went to the mall with my father
and bought shoes
two sizes too large on accident.
also purble nail polish
and a afi cd.

i prefer cds to any other method
of music.
they are tangible and have more
emotional value than a simple
icon.

Cause I'm Not Sure I'll Make It Through The Night

the holidays are boring.

if i had friends i'd be out
but the muse is ill.

books are my friends.

faked sick, skipped church
don't know if i'm going back
ever.

The Object Of Misguided Affection

spent all day
shopping.

was going to the muse's
but she was sick.
sadness.

she got her gift though
and i think she liked it.

strung the tree today.
but christmas isn't coming for me
this year.

i'm not feeling it.

She Spoke For Herself

"everything will work out. we both just need some space."

the last ten words of the firefly.
one month ago exactly.

one month i've been in darkness.

one month i've been hopeless.

one month i'm never getting back.
---
going to the muse's tomorrow
first time i've felt like going out in one month.

dressing up and everything.
painted my nails.
gave myself a facial.

first time i've wanted to be pretty in a month.
---
90 on a math exam
and since the teacher is a witch
my final grade was an 89.4.

rounded down.

hard work for less than perfection.

so close i almost grasped it.
---

dear angels, take me home today
i'll swallow poison sweet
and join you in a better place
until the rest i meet.

Through The Filter Of Dependedcy

i love smells. i have a pear one that i decorated my room with tonight. it was all over my clothes for tomorrow and for yesterday and my guitar and my bead and me. it was pear.

---
exams.
good in history.
unknown in english.
math and choir
impending.
---
choir secret pals finished.
i got a journal
but it won't replace this.
it's for consise thought.

Maybe It'll Mean Something When I'm Old And Alone

exams tomorry.

studying with my father is the best.

he tells history like a story
so it means something.

i want my muse.
i want...
i want...

i'm scared.

Darling, Will You Wish Me Away

choir concert tonight.
the.

big.

one.

and my throat closed up and i choked on innocence
when my dad walked in and smiled at me.

he wasn't supposed to come.
care.
see me.

but he did.
i was reminded of how young i am.

and during our final song
andy dressed as santa claus
and hammed it up.

we couldn't finish.
it was unexpected.
it was bliss.

the had her boyfriend today...
gorgeous.
reminded me of the first angel
(who has a girlfriend, as i learned.
why do these things happen to me?)
but he's the's
and seventeen.

seventeen is bigger than thirteen.

i got a present
(reused from a dance recital)
but it was all good.
i didn't need one.

Bleeding To Know I Feel Pain

next time someone asks my orientation
i'm saying ambiguous.

choir secret pals.
i got rolos and some pins for the black bag.

math test tomorry.
i'm not in the mood to care.

talked to the muse endlessly
and though she condemned me
i love her.

guitar.
i am progressing.
this is good.

dance party-
boring but for the other angel
between whom i am torn.

--------------------

my angels, are you watching
as living am i in fear
that if i call to you despairing
will you care so much to hear?

The House Of Cards Falling In Around My Ears

went to the house this morning.
sang the songs
danced the dance
lived the lie.

whatever i believe, i believe passionately.
fact of my existance.

had a bible study at my home today.
tea and lots of it.

skipped out of the children's aisle.
i can't be there,
not now
maybe not for a while
maybe never again.

looking at the vapid smile that used to be mine.


despite everything that has happened these past few months, i still believe in god.
maybe not the same one as the fanatics or the atheists
(who believe, in my opinion, but are convinced they can suppress).

i'm so screwed up right now
i don't know which way is up.

aunt 3 and her whatever came today.
asked me what i want for christmas.

nothing.

i'm content in what i have.
is that allowed?

Love's Eternal Sting

saw the angel today
at a choir performance.
our choreography was childish
but he said it was okay.

bought all my friends their christmas presents.

babysat the children again.
two were great, but one...
hellion.

i need my muse and i need more sleep.

Warring of the Spidermen and Human Conscience

it's late.
i'm alone
and sick to my stomach.

secret pals in choir today...
mine is the only girl whose guts i hate
and the only non-feminine guy in there keeps hitting on me.

babysat the boys today.
they were angels
much better than last time
and their dog no longer hates me.

i don't know when i realized i bent.
maybe it was last night
the night before?
tonight?
the first time i was at the firefly's house?

my white pajamas are used tonight
haven't worn them in forever,
as they would show blood too soon.

lovely got me a new poembook
to replace the full one.
i love him.

but only as a friend.
will i regret last night?

still stomache.
tired as hell.
goodnight and goodbye.

--------------------

sing me to sleep, my black haired angels
and tell me how you miss me so
for when life itself is hell
can you show me where to go?

keep singing, perfect faces
take me into refuge dreams
for when breathing shatters being
only sleep silences screams.

oh heaven's demons, do not cry
and over my sad carcass weep
for yours is the heaven i want
in everlasting eternal sleep.

Friendship And Falsehoods

the freshman ball was tonight.

i went.

i saw the music and the lovely.

the lovely and i had not spoken in half a year.

he learned:

i cut my hair
the boy and i broke up
i went both ways
i dance well.

i made him dance with me later on.

Do I Believe How I Should?

my ideals are simple.

everyone has a right to be happy
as long as it doesn't prevent another
from such.

three things are inherently good.
these are
children,
love,
and humans.

Bright Eyes Blind

thanks for the angel
a bright spot in a dull sky
a lifeline.

thanks for the muse
who loves me no matter what
a forgiveness.

thank you for the firefly
even though i've been replaced
those were the best times of my life.

and i don't regret.

Maybe You'll Forgive Me, But I Have Other Friends

had a choir performance last night.

screwed it up.

but went to the afterparty.

some girls went to olive garden
and we ate dessert.

saw the muse and the music.

Slipping

went to the house of cards today.
sang the song
and listened to the words.

then the sun slipped
and it was time.

every often
the church my age
go to the sports center.

the firefly replaced me tonight
with a new doll
this one fresher and with more to discover
than me broken and used.

most my time was with the gun.
he talked and prattled on
i need only supply a mmm and ahh
and girls can be confusing
but she'll go on.

then it closed in.
i wasn't safe since he walked in.

spent some time in cold outside
in the corner of the shadow.

no one could see me.

"i am a monster
nobody cares if i go
it's a blessing to everyone
not to put up with the
disjointed plaything
strangled marionette
useless junk."

then she and i talked in the van of my youth
college, my problems.

of course, she didn't know of
the lines
the angel
the boy
the deathwish
the story
the loneliness
but it's been forever
since somebody cared.

Bloodless Addiction

i scared myself today.

to preface things
i hate eating when i'm home alone.
for when i start i never stop.

so i was for the first few hours of my waking
then my mother returned and
needed to take my measurements.

i felt very dizzy half way through.

then i sat down.

it's scary having to wonder how your head rolled back and mouth opened.
it's scary having to wonder why your limbs are numb.
it's scary having to ask your mother "what just happened?".
it's scary having however long you were out unaccounted for in memory.

the next words i heard were
"well, that was an academy award winning performance of a seizure".

i don't know how it happened.
but i ate a banana, some apple juice, and oatmeal
and was a little better.

i thought i had a choir performance today
but it was monday, thank god.
if i had done that on stage...

celtic woman was on the telly
and i've always loved the singing
ever since i was in ireland
the hills have called me home.

so that's my father's birthday present
tickets for four
february eighth
tallahassee
beauty.

Tired Of Getting Better

I've fallen back in love with periods again.

part 1-the angel boy.

his voice watches me
and i meet him there every morning.
we laugh and talk.
i was taller than him today
blame the high-heeled boots, darling.

you and i held hands today
because we were on either side of the.
i know it didn't mean a thing
but it was nice.

you spoon fed me cheerios
and i made a mess of it.
but it was funny.
then you hugged me on the way out
and i melted.

it's funny how much the little things mean
when the one big thing has flown away.

part 2-the visitors.

three people stopped me in my book
as the sandwich crumbs were blown from
the spine.

the first was tyler.
he and i are neutral
but he appeared to care.
i fed him the "i'm okay" lie
and we had a discussion
about vampire novels his girlfriend liked
and tight pants in relation to skinny jeans.

fuzzy fleeted by
but she was gone before i breathed.

and this old guy walked up
and said something which
never impacted
and walked off.

part3-seeing the demon one last time

he walked by me as i left the holocaust visions
him and the strawberry haired girl.
i couldn't see their hands
but it appeared they were intertwined.
just like his and the firefly.

it hurt again, just as fresh as the first time
because i was the moon and she the sun
he never saw me as but her accompianment.

he hasn't spoken to me in three months
even though we occupy the same place
cast out like the one we loved.

part 4-the worst performance

and by that i don't mean us.
the audience was rude
and never clapped.

sadness. we practiced for a month
to play to those preoccupied.

and then the day was ended.

Smile Like You Aren't Faking

i don't know what to write today
here is my schedule
if you care


first period, algebra 1
but it's honors so i don't feel stupid
i failed the class with flying colors
two years ago
it's hard in there
for the firefly resides
in the diagonal from me
acting like she knows
i am okay

second choir
the people there love me
and are a second family
any barriers there are broken
and melody streams
and voices connect
and life begins
and ends

lunch
i sit alone
with a book
most recently twilight

third, history/hilarity
most funny class
watched Schindler's List today
gunshots and blood
horror and fascination
that was the holocaust
in brief

english last
my gift and talent
but nobody else in there
has either
so the words are stagnant
and while i'm sleeping
or dreaming my work
is passed about for all
to take

then i walk home
which is a story
in and of itself

Sunshine and Starfall

thank you
for not leaving me
when the firefly ceased to guide me
but staying there
and seeing if i'm alive
or have fallen off the edge

thank you
for smiling like you mean it
and allowing me to follow
and get to know you
the always/never conundrum
and knowing how music is

thank you
for accepting gracefully
and not fussing when i told you
of the lines
and of the times
and permitting me to stay

you three are how i live

The World As Viewed From A Martini Glass

it's tuesday but he wasn't there
he and she, the complementing characters
so no fussing at the heathen



dance is my secondary high
it being rigorously planned
but the beat courses through
the floor, feet hitting in accented
melody passing
with idle clicks and batters
so was the preprogrammed calamity

my hands are cramping from
the guitar and the homework
student living sucks

did he even think on me?
was i a portion of his thoughts?
or is it as i fear
and he wants nothing to do with me?

Can I Go Alone

maybe i'm tired of normality

the firefly and i connected today
if only brief, then carried on
seperated
still torn



has the music ever swept you away?
flowing from fingers into air into ears into heart into voice into fingers
an endless cycle you only partake of
it would go on without you
but to be part of the flow
it carries self away

i denied lunch today
just got away, only me and a novel
it's better that way

a book can hurt my fingers not my soul

Between The Steeple And The Floor

how can i love another
when i don't love myself

still, i believe

the firefly and i amended tonight
i'm getting better
but the void hasn't closed
we still know
remember
hurt

he lied on the sabbath and didn't come
his loss i suppose
i'll chew him out tuesday
but be gentle cause i understand

"is it painful enough for a lortab"
it's worth a heart amputation
if it would stop

Falsehoods of the Looking-Glass

there once was a girl who thought she could change the world. she's older now.

androgynous but for the obvious. short brown hair and eyes to match. a key. pale but not in the pretty manner.

it looks like i'm okay. but i suppose i am not.

i decided not to care today.

here's a story of when i loved two people. one was my life, but she told me that i wasn't like the raven or the demon and that she couldn't pretend i was. she left me. the other is her unknown admirer, not the one she chose. he i would have gladly loved, but when the sun shines the moon can't be seen.

so i'll go to bed now.

alone as always.