The House Of Cards Falling In Around My Ears

went to the house this morning.
sang the songs
danced the dance
lived the lie.

whatever i believe, i believe passionately.
fact of my existance.

had a bible study at my home today.
tea and lots of it.

skipped out of the children's aisle.
i can't be there,
not now
maybe not for a while
maybe never again.

looking at the vapid smile that used to be mine.


despite everything that has happened these past few months, i still believe in god.
maybe not the same one as the fanatics or the atheists
(who believe, in my opinion, but are convinced they can suppress).

i'm so screwed up right now
i don't know which way is up.

aunt 3 and her whatever came today.
asked me what i want for christmas.

nothing.

i'm content in what i have.
is that allowed?